Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Death of One Dream and the Birth of Another

I know I shouldn't complain about my job, because it means I have one and there are people in worse shape than I am. But I can't help it.

I was only unemployed for four months when I was laid off in 2009, but since then, I have pretty much been looking for a job non-stop, and I'm on my second post-lay off job. I can't really find a job where I KNOW I'm supposed to be, or jobs with any kind of a future, and that bothers me.

I hate being in a place where there's not a chance for any kind of growth, or where I'm looked upon as more administrative help than the actual manager I was hired to be. I've been insulted by some of the co-workers here and I feel like my soul is dying here. Other than trying to help dying people and their families have a little peace, there's not a lot that's redeeming about this place.

I thought I had a job in the bag three weeks ago. I felt so optimistic about it. It was only going to be another attempt at a dream job of mine. There where and what isn't important. It's enough to say that it's the same job I'm doing now, but on a much bigger and better scale (but then again, isn't the grass always greener on the other side?). 

It was a group interview: me being interviewed simultaneously by five existing staff members. I rocked it. I brought work samples. I was gracious, thanked them, and even sent a thank you card the next day. I knew this time, it would be mine. I mean, I've only been trying for 3 1/2 years now to get into my dream job, which, by the way, could take place at wide variety of places here. It didn't have to be this location.

At the end of the interview, I thanked the woman in charge of the interview and the facility. She told me they would decide who would make it back for round 2 interviews in less than a week. And in about a week after round 2, they'd have their decision made. She said she'd let me know either way.

I believed her. I don't know why. I usually don't believe them.

After 1 1/2 weeks, I still had hope, so I emailed her to touch base, thanking her again and wondering how the interviews were going. All she replied back was that they were still working on them and she'd let me know.

The day after Mother's Day was supposed to be the last day that the facility would be accepting resumes, and it's also almost three weeks since I had my interview. I didn't advance and of course, no one told me anything. No mail, no email, no phone call, not even to say, "Kiss our ass," "Thanks but no thanks," "Get lost." Nothing.

Why do employers lie to us during the interviews? "We'll call and let you know." No, no you won't. Granted, I did apply there and made the first attempt at contact, but they invited me to come and speak to them. You thought I was worthy for at least one interview but I'm not worthy of being told that's as far as I'm going? Even though this would have been my dream job, you don't deserve my respect for lying to me about letting me know.

It was like a kick in the stomach about 1 1/2 weeks ago when I was walking my dog one night, thinking about this. I realized I'm just not good enough for my dream job. Like I said, I've been trying for 3 1/2 years for my dream job, somewhere, anywhere, and I've been turned down each time. Something I've been striving for, working for, for so long and I'm just not good enough. Seriously, as I'm walking along in the dark with my dog, (thank God it was dark outside), I wanted to cry. I damn near did. I'm 37 years old and was almost crying over a job I didn't get. In a weird way, it's like ending a relationship that you realized you never had because the other person had all the power.

I never did spill my sappy guts to my husband about it all. He knows I had the interview, how it went, and that nothing else came of it. I don't want to hear how there's another chance out there for me. I don't want to be made to feel any better, because I don't know that he'd really understand it.

Maybe it's time to let that dream die.

I'm trying to find some solace in another dream that is actually coming to fruition. I'm teaching a beginner's crochet class on Friday night. There's been a little amount of interest from one of the women that's going to attend it, into turning it into a two part class. Whether or not it's a one part or two part class, this will be another goal of mine that I was able to achieve. I just wish it felt like a bigger goal.

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