Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Back to Posting?

This last week has been hell. I've been trying to keep myself busy with yard work at night for as long as I can, just to keep worried thoughts away the best I can.

Mom's cancer is even worse than we thought. She's found out that there is no more chemo available to try and help her. The doctor promised her he's tried everything he could for her, but now, he's said he believes she has three months left to live.

She is braver and stronger than I'll ever be in life. She wanted to continue to fight, willing to try any other chemo he could suggest.

I talk to her every day now, and I am falling victim to false hope when I hear her voice. Today was a better day, but she still sounds like she was kicked down a steep, sharp hill by her own body. She didn't decline. She was shoved off a cliff. I hope for some kind of miracle, but I know better. I hate my hospice job so much right now. I know how it could be for when she passes. I know she hurts so much right now, and I hate there's nothing I can do for her. I would take any of the cancer away from her if I could.

The pain in my chest and stomach, as well as the pain in my heart and mind, actually scare me. If the hurt is this bad right now, while she is still alive, what kind of hell will it feel like when she's gone? Someday, the care packages from home will end. Someday, I won't have a mom to take care of me if I need it. But for today, so far, I still have her and it's the first day since last Tuesday that I haven't cried like a baby.

It's also the first time in a week that I've done anything crafty. It actually feels kind of weird to me to do anything normal like that. I've dropped out of volunteering at the local theater and with a wildlife rehab group.

For Halloween, my husband has decided he wants to be Gru at work. A bald cap, long nose and a scarf are on their way from Amazon, but I decided he also needed Gru's over-sized zipper pull.

I quickly made this felt zipper pull for him tonight while watching reruns of "The Big Bang Theory."

It's a little lopsided. Normally, it would have driven me crazy. Tonight, I just don't give a damn. But it's something. Maybe this will help me get over this slump I'm in.



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