Monday, October 28, 2013

Back From a Visit Back Home

I just got back today from two weeks back home. My mom is dying, and she told me I was only staying two weeks because although she loved having me home, it couldn't change anything. She's ready for the pain to end.

She worries that she's too much "work" to take care of. I don't know how many times she said that to me, followed by thanking me for taking care of her and helping my father. I told her of course Id do it, and for longer if she'd let me, because she's Mom.

Hospice from this end started out as miserable. The nurses and aides have been good to my parents. However, the main person taking care of her was actually so mean and nasty to me, that it left me in tears a couple of days before I left. Everything I did and didn't do were wrong. I was happy to get away from that place. I had to hold my tongue harder than I ever did before, because I thought if I let loose on this woman, I might actually hurt this woman. Physically hurt her, to show her how badly she hurt me. The things she said to be were just cruel, and they included telling me I didn't appreciate their care of my mother and I didn't appreciate the time I had with my mom.

What...

the....

fuck???

She was also offended that I didn't tell her I work for a hospice (maybe she felt threatened? I don't know), but actually I did, because I told her I didn't want to read her "what to expect at the end" book and why. I know that book. I've read it. We use it where I work now.

I'm not even going to mention who is providing this care. I just need to remind myself that I am done with that company. They are good to my parents, and that's all that matters.

If I hadn't appreciated the care, would I have donated the crocheted blanket that I made that first week I was there? It makes me wish I had lugged this damn thing back home with me and saved it for some one more in need and just nicer. Hell, I think the yarn kept me as sane as I possibly could be. It was both mind numbing and good to concentrate on.

This is Patron's Zig Zag Afghan. It's kind of a wonky picture here, but I didn't really drape it very well over the couch. It's about 5.5' x 4.5,' give or take. It was made with an H sized hook.

--1 skein of Patrons Silk Bamboo in color # W262122
--1 Skein of Patrons Lace Sequin in amethyst
--1 skein of Caron Simply Soft Light in magenta (#0011)
--1 skein of Caron Simply Soft in lilac (#9925)
--2 skeins of Lion Brand Wool in purple (#147)
--4 skeins of Trendsetter Yarns Merino VIII in color #335
--1 skein of Red Heart Super Saver in medium purple
--1 skein of Bernat Berella "4" in fresh lilac

I even got one more project done while I was there. Seriously, how are my hands NOT all gimped up? I found some Red Heart Team Spirit yarn in purple and gold (my college colors). I made a striped beanie with ear flaps, a 5.5' long striped scarf, and a pair of of matching wrist warmers. For the wristlets, I included a little bit of Red Heart Super Saver in medium purple. They have just the slightest length of thumb added. For fun, one wristlet has gold trim and the other has purple. The scarf is just rows of half double crochets (HDC), back and forth.

So anyway, I'm home. The visit was both better and worse than I was expecting. I mean, I actually even got in trouble already for being away from work for this, even though they knew I was leaving. It makes me wonder if I'll have a job waiting for me on Wednesday, and yes, like I said above, I work for that hospice still. Real support group, those bastards. Anyway, I know what the outcome will be, but I don't know when. No one does. I'm sure it will be enough to knock me to my knees. But I did find something that made me smile tonight.